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Today, my dad screamed at me because I've been "spending too much money". He's been out of a job for 4 months and I've been giving him 300 dollars a month to help pay for bills... and his beer. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2010 at 11:38am / United States (South Carolina) / Money

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

by SheaLili / 08/07/2011 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

by TheStressComesFree / 07/31/2013 at 12:47pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

by unlucky neighbors / 12/06/2013 at 4:36am / China (Shanghai) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

by In urgent need of a new roommate / 03/26/2014 at 7:44pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, I went to the supermarket with my husband and kids. A crazy old man started yelling at us and challenged us to fight him outside. Security had to escort us to our car. Why was he so mad? Our cart momentarily blocked his path to the beef jerky samples. FML

by gotta_respond / 01/10/2015 at 2:22pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

by WinnerWinnerNotEatingDinner / 11/16/2015 at 1:44am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

by thewordsicantsay / 02/25/2010 at 2:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 3:27am / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2011 at 6:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

by Joanne / 02/24/2012 at 8:26am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

by buxton1 / 02/18/2013 at 3:24am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2013 at 12:57am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous