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Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

by OfCourse / 06/27/2009 at 1:32am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

by poorgirl / 09/23/2009 at 5:38pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML

by bitchasaurusrex / 02/15/2011 at 4:24pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

by ouch / 09/17/2011 at 7:42pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

by writerflaw / 03/10/2015 at 1:36pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

by mommyopps / 03/25/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

by Shelly / 06/06/2009 at 10:25pm / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2009 at 5:20pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

by scarlet / 05/09/2011 at 11:02am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

by jamalinho / 05/11/2011 at 1:51pm / Bangladesh (Dhaka) / Work

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 am and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

by 5.9Cummins / 09/10/2011 at 11:18pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

by audreyav / 06/30/2012 at 4:10am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

by mskawaiibat / 06/29/2013 at 6:01am / United States (California) / Kids