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Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

by blondieforlife / 11/03/2014 at 10:38pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2010 at 10:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

by Crappyfayman / 02/22/2010 at 9:46pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

by Court / 02/21/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his "soulmate" walk away 9 years ago because of his "previous commitment" and how he regrets it every day. FML

by smashleighfig / 03/08/2010 at 12:14am / Love

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 07/07/2011 at 6:52pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

by SpikeStanley / 10/20/2011 at 2:56am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

by Locked Out / 05/14/2013 at 3:11pm / United States / Animals

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

by mszoe / 03/01/2015 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2015 at 10:04am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2015 at 12:31am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML

by msmusiclover7 / 02/27/2010 at 10:58am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous