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Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

by laundry day again... / 09/08/2013 at 9:07am / United States / Love

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

by watch_corn_dance / 04/07/2014 at 10:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

by mszoe / 03/01/2015 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

by Court / 02/21/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

by jrad / 09/08/2010 at 3:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2010 at 12:16am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

by micheal / 06/21/2011 at 12:52pm / United States / Work

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2011 at 1:11pm / United States / Kids

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

by CambodianAsshole / 12/25/2012 at 1:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have been getting calls from a weird kid from my school asking for nudes. I asked how he got my number, then found out that my friends put my number on a pole at school saying "Call Wendy for a good time, she has nice tits". FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2009 at 6:02am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

by stonesober / 12/30/2009 at 8:32pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

by Crappyfayman / 02/22/2010 at 9:46pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

by rainonmyparade / 03/17/2010 at 1:09am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous