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Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

by bittenbyadonkey / 01/28/2011 at 12:23pm / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I threw up when I woke up, feeling quite ill, I told my mum. She instantly thought I was pregnant. I'm still a virgin and she doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2011 at 1:17pm / United Kingdom (Stoke-on-Trent) / Health

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

by Sue / 03/26/2011 at 11:41am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

by WhatTheBleep / 04/09/2011 at 12:02am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

by micheal / 06/21/2011 at 12:52pm / United States / Work

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

by SaggyBoy135 / 07/12/2011 at 8:19am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2013 at 4:42pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Health

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

by Falling off the wagon / 11/09/2013 at 8:20am / United Kingdom (Brighton and Hove) / Miscellaneous

Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

by jjhach / 09/12/2014 at 6:27pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Love

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

by Jess / 05/04/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

by Konstantine / 10/05/2009 at 9:55am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

by Colormered / 01/12/2010 at 10:08am / France / Work