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Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

by / 01/01/2009 at 10:38am / Health

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

by vargasm / 01/18/2009 at 7:12am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

by Alana / 01/01/2011 at 12:27am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

by meme71 / 02/21/2011 at 5:22am / Health

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

by zcollins / 09/10/2013 at 11:52am / United States (California) / Money

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

by momaaa1342 / 10/20/2013 at 11:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

by Benchthewarmer / 07/08/2009 at 1:49am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

by Brett meek / 02/19/2010 at 2:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

by OMGraven / 02/19/2010 at 3:24am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2010 at 1:36pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, not only did I miss my bus by seconds, I also saw the bus driver smirking as he drove past me in the middle of the Canadian winter. FML

by peanutface / 12/17/2010 at 8:20am / Canada / Transportation

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

by Anonymous / 06/09/2011 at 10:25am / United States / Health

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

by firethorn / 06/20/2011 at 1:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous