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Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

by cassidy_smith12 / 08/24/2013 at 10:55am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

by DudeManBro69 / 05/01/2009 at 9:15am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

by Tom / 06/15/2009 at 6:07am / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Animals

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 6:24pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

by longdrive / 07/25/2010 at 2:17am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 11:31am / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

by laury / 05/08/2012 at 10:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

by StomachofTinfoil / 11/23/2014 at 8:59pm / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

by Investing in Toilet Seatbelts / 02/14/2015 at 4:46am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

by NothowIimaginedmyday / 10/03/2015 at 12:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML

by Rockyio / 09/30/2009 at 1:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

by Brinty / 10/24/2009 at 12:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2012 at 2:42am / United States (Texas) / Health