Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Alabama) / Work

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

by Ania / 10/15/2011 at 1:13am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

by Sam l. / 11/10/2012 at 1:51am / United States / Animals

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

by Inthedumps / 07/22/2014 at 8:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2015 at 9:20am / United States (California) / Work

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

by Anonymous / 06/23/2015 at 10:48pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

by Jdub / 05/27/2009 at 8:51pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2009 at 2:27pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

by wantontsu / 09/11/2010 at 2:59pm / Health

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

by A. / 10/14/2010 at 3:15am / United States / Transportation

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

by cjy152 / 09/21/2011 at 10:44am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2015 at 2:54pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous