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Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2012 at 2:43am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2013 at 9:01am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2013 at 12:17pm / Hungary (Budapest) / Love

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

by I am not amused! / 11/03/2013 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Love

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2014 at 3:21pm / United States / Money

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 2:16pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML

by outofluckdude / 08/31/2009 at 8:40pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

by Jammy238 / 02/01/2010 at 12:27am / Animals

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

by LukeyBoy / 11/09/2011 at 5:57am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

by chinatownhobo / 04/08/2013 at 2:12am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Health

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2014 at 1:11pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 9:58am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2015 at 4:41pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Kids