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Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

by scarred for life / 09/21/2012 at 6:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I attended my first day of school 4 days after reconstructive surgery. But no worries: I'm sure my alien-like appearance and 2 hours of Darth Vader style breathing in an otherwise silent test room will make me lots of friends. FML

by carobee / 08/24/2013 at 12:25am / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

by Grossedouttt / 07/04/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

by racist / 10/15/2010 at 2:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

by copper / 01/29/2011 at 9:20pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

by Username / 10/10/2011 at 9:56am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

by linzl00 / 12/06/2013 at 7:21am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

by adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway / 12/17/2013 at 10:38am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Health

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2015 at 2:16pm / Kids

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

by wardsl195 / 12/30/2015 at 12:55am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

by bachelor / 09/26/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

by epicsandwichartist / 05/05/2011 at 3:13am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2011 at 6:26am / Singapore / Love