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Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2014 at 4:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

by Herdad / 07/30/2009 at 7:34am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

by effmylife / 09/06/2009 at 7:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

by STIdiot / 10/17/2011 at 8:12am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

by kacie smith / 09/16/2012 at 8:36am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

by wtfguys / 10/13/2014 at 4:17am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2015 at 9:39am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Health

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

by ouch / 10/05/2015 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2016 at 3:41pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, I got into a bad car accident, where I got severe whiplash, swollen knees, and cuts everywhere. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it in and he fired me for being 'not dependable'. FML

by in pain / 03/15/2011 at 6:57pm / Transportation

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

by MrTandy / 09/15/2011 at 10:38pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

by AnonCat / 01/20/2013 at 8:47pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals