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Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

by detour165 / 12/26/2013 at 12:30am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

by Nat3_2020 / 01/27/2015 at 9:02am / United States / Love

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

by Bleach dat Blood / 07/19/2015 at 11:02pm / Health

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

by hoo flung pu / 10/03/2013 at 4:26am / United States / Animals

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

by 20singleandproudish / 10/23/2014 at 1:18am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Love

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

by Samson / 02/14/2010 at 3:48am / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

by nichaneely / 02/09/2010 at 10:32pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

by eewww / 05/06/2011 at 11:47am / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

by Anonymous / 01/28/2012 at 12:09pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

by me / 06/22/2012 at 3:28am / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

by living_thedream / 01/14/2013 at 1:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, two teenage girls caused a huge scene and told me to get lost, after I asked if they needed any help. Their reasoning: they didn't want to be helped by "someone who doesn't have a thigh gap." FML

by Hannahb17 / 08/23/2013 at 6:21pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

by AllieG33 / 09/04/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous