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Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

by anon / 07/17/2015 at 3:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

by lonelygal69 / 08/19/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML

by AlmightyVoice / 08/07/2016 at 7:38am / United States (Michigan) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

by ClothMom / 12/08/2009 at 2:02am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

by Scaredshitless / 02/03/2010 at 8:48am / Health

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2011 at 8:17pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Health

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2012 at 7:06pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

by dumbass for a flatmate / 03/02/2013 at 9:35pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

by Anonymous / 06/26/2013 at 3:09am / Australia / Love

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

by AwkwardPotato / 07/01/2013 at 10:37pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

by Jane M / 10/25/2013 at 7:20pm / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

by author / 02/14/2014 at 9:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I burned my hand while making breakfast. As I staggered around the kitchen in agony, looking for some burn cream, my cat figured he'd latch onto said hand and drag his claws through the burn. FML