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Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

#17672212
196 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31575) - you deserved it (3224)

On 09/05/2011 at 4:23pm - kids - by thatoneguy - United States (Texas)

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

#20455625
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33048) - you deserved it (3224)

On 01/12/2013 at 5:02pm - misc - by fucking mafia or what?? (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

#20503190
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27971) - you deserved it (3224)

On 02/12/2013 at 12:55am - love - by BadLuckCarson - United States (Iowa)

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

#20856229
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39937) - you deserved it (3224)

On 08/27/2013 at 6:17am - kids - by Idontknowwhattodo (man) - United States (California)

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

#21266131
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37036) - you deserved it (3224)

On 09/27/2014 at 12:22am - work - by heretoserve (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

#21413854
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28584) - you deserved it (3224)

On 05/22/2015 at 2:55am - intimacy - by zzarzzur (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

#5227356
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40468) - you deserved it (3223)

On 09/13/2009 at 11:57am - misc - by Casden (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

#19994302
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22147) - you deserved it (3223)

On 07/31/2012 at 10:28am - misc - by gmd05 (woman) - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

#20072034
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22375) - you deserved it (3223)

On 09/14/2012 at 8:03pm - love - by wow kid just leave me alone (woman) - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

#20833620
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47593) - you deserved it (3223)

On 08/12/2013 at 11:24am - health - by nutfreak (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

#12858373
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32455) - you deserved it (3222)

On 09/01/2010 at 7:11pm - misc - by Forded (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

#17801056
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28108) - you deserved it (3222)

On 09/21/2011 at 11:41pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

#19941503
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23738) - you deserved it (3222)

On 07/15/2012 at 3:09pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Colorado)



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