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Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML

by kingpig / 02/02/2012 at 1:00pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Love

Today, I found the carcass of the frog that got into my house last week. It was a horrifying sight, but not nearly as horrifying as the fact that I found it in my refrigerator. No, I don't know how it got in there either. FML

by W...T...F / 08/09/2013 at 12:15pm / United States / Animals

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

by Jamestown of Vagina / 09/13/2014 at 10:36am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

by trixanne / 01/06/2015 at 3:57pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my parents I wanted them to meet my new partner. My mom went into a rant about how she had known I was gay for a while and asked how I was going to tell my husband. I am straight, madly in love with my husband, and was referring to my business partner. FML

by alicemassie / 05/14/2009 at 10:37pm / United States (New York) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

by Dumbass / 06/20/2009 at 2:01am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

by moron / 05/27/2011 at 8:04pm / United States / Health

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

by jumpedjogger / 09/14/2011 at 4:34am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

by Capteen / 04/22/2012 at 8:17am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

by waste of effort / 05/15/2012 at 4:56pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

by OMFG I LOVE MLP / 08/24/2012 at 5:00pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Love

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down laughing uncontrollably. FML

by radioinvader / 10/28/2012 at 8:29am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

by anonymous / 07/25/2013 at 1:47am / United States (Missouri) / Love