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Today, I had the most excitement I have felt in the last two months when I went to a drugstore and they had my favourite bandaids. FML

Today, I was walking my little sister home from the eye doctor. It was raining out so we were kind of in a hurry to get home. We get home and about half an hour later, the cops show up. Apparently, someone saw me walking my sister and called the cops on me thinking I was a child molester. FML

by omgn00blolz89 / 04/06/2009 at 8:42pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

by xxxzzzooo / 01/02/2010 at 12:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

by MakeItMaaco / 07/11/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2012 at 2:34am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2013 at 12:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2013 at 7:54pm / United Kingdom (West Lothian) / Kids

Today, I had to have a talk with my stalker. After telling him not to snapchat me, not to text me, and that I'm not interested, all he said was "I think persistence is going to be key here." FML

by AshleyRose24 / 11/23/2013 at 3:02am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken up by the massive earthquake in Samoa. I went downstairs to discover that all the hotel staff had fled and abandoned the hotel guests. I was left to run up to higher ground on foot. It was a three hour hike. By the time I got to a safe spot, the tsunami warning was lifted. FML

by greeenbean / 10/02/2009 at 6:41am / Samoa / Miscellaneous

Today, my 6-year-old brother showed me the "books" he's been writing for the past week. My parents, who are first-generation immigrants, want him to take the books to school to show everyone. My only problem with this? The main character's name is "Wanker". FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2014 at 5:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

by Anonycock / 01/06/2016 at 12:15pm / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Work

Today, after my first flight landed late, I burned out my lungs sprinting full speed for 10 minutes to catch my next flight. The gate number on my ticket was wrong. It had been changed to one right next to where I had originally pulled up to. FML

by mad flyer / 02/21/2010 at 12:47am / Transportation