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Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

by KalaKa / 12/20/2014 at 3:45pm / United States / Love

Today, one of my regulars came up to my car in the parking lot. We talked through the window while I put on my makeup. He then asked for a hug because he won't be in for two weeks. I obliged and he was kind enough to slide his hand between my legs. He then gave me $50 not to tell his wife. FML

by witchybaby89 / 05/25/2015 at 10:50pm / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML

by bettysue / 02/06/2009 at 10:37am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

by ronniewciv / 12/30/2010 at 2:48am / Work

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

by Anonymous / 04/07/2011 at 1:32pm / United States (Puerto Rico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2011 at 2:31pm / United States / Love

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

by ABBenzin / 02/01/2012 at 11:11am / United States / Work

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

by yikes / 04/21/2012 at 4:36am / United States / Animals

Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2012 at 8:00am / United States / Love

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2013 at 12:10pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Money

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

by WTF / 12/03/2014 at 4:21pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

by fatface / 04/13/2009 at 12:05am / United States (Texas) / Love