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Sunday 8 June 2014

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Today, thinking we'd still be able to finish our project in time for tomorrow's deadline, my work group put off doing any work until today. When we logged into the website we have to use, we found it was down for maintenance all day. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2014 at 11:36am / Afghanistan (Kabol) / Work

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

by shartface12 / 06/06/2014 at 6:01pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

by charitableidiot / 06/05/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

by Anonymous / 06/14/2014 at 5:32pm / United States (Texas) / Geek

Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML

by Teu_much / 06/09/2014 at 10:33pm / United States (New York) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

by blanknameisblank / 06/09/2014 at 3:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I searched up ways to fix my eyebrows since they were so bushy and thick. I took my tweezers and set to work. It went to shit. So now, I have one completely straight eyebrow that makes me look like Bert from Sesame Street and another that's arched like Nina Dobrev's. FML

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2014 at 5:38pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

by imalosertho / 06/10/2014 at 9:01pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Animals

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

by fat and alone / 06/05/2014 at 12:11am / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2014 at 5:46am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

by deservedly / 06/09/2014 at 12:28pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2014 at 4:06pm / Barbados (Saint Michael) / Kids