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Sunday 22 December 2013

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Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2013 at 6:29pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

by dana / 12/16/2013 at 5:43pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

by beemove / 12/28/2013 at 4:19pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2013 at 2:10pm / Israel / Kids

Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML

by Ramis182 / 12/16/2013 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

by Puick / 12/26/2013 at 6:50pm / France (Centre) / Miscellaneous

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

by peevedemployee / 12/25/2013 at 1:38am / United States / Work

Today, my mom called to bestow upon me warm holiday pearls of wisdom: "I hope you aren't giving everyone your natural handmade eco-shit again. Gifts should be returnable. And have a price." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

by zamwow / 12/20/2013 at 6:36pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

by anon / 12/26/2013 at 7:08am / Australia / Love

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

by LonelyPorkChop / 12/18/2013 at 4:30am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2013 at 4:50pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

by Anonymous / 12/17/2013 at 8:55pm / China (Shanghai) / Love