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Monday 25 November 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was proud when I started a confrontation with my best friend's brother because he is a sexist pig who treats women like crap. Six hours later my pride was gone: I made him an after-sex sandwich. FML

#20975509
101 comments

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

#20977883
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17644) - you deserved it (46823)

On 12/02/2013 at 1:41am - misc - by car keyer (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

#20974086
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39217) - you deserved it (39471)

On 11/28/2013 at 9:05pm - misc - by OuchImAMoron (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

#20974953
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24299) - you deserved it (36487)

On 11/29/2013 at 4:49pm - love - by holy sleet (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

#20974338
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22063) - you deserved it (34999)

On 11/29/2013 at 12:53am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was quite drunk so I decided to take a piss kneeling down, so I wouldn't miss. I dropped the toilet seat on my little soldier. FML

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

#20978310
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34413) - you deserved it (24128)

On 12/02/2013 at 3:04pm - misc - by Sherressa (woman) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML

Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML

#20977282
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43183) - you deserved it (19271)

On 12/01/2013 at 6:07pm - work - by fuck my eyeballs (man) - United States (California)

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

#20970124
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42658) - you deserved it (14691)

On 11/25/2013 at 12:38pm - intimacy - by sister sister - United States (New York)

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

#20978895
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38478) - you deserved it (14596)

On 12/02/2013 at 11:26pm - intimacy - by anon (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

#20972170
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28832) - you deserved it (13484)

On 11/27/2013 at 3:44am - health - by MissYouPieceOfSkin (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

#20970235
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39517) - you deserved it (11468)

On 11/25/2013 at 2:47pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Mississippi)



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