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Tuesday 5 November 2013

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Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

by kel / 11/08/2013 at 6:50pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Love

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

by thatescalatedquickly / 11/07/2013 at 3:52am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

by xomelodygervais / 11/08/2013 at 9:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope, and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2013 at 5:21pm / United Kingdom (Derry) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

by :/ / 11/04/2013 at 5:27pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

by regretsteachinghighschool / 11/05/2013 at 8:22am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, for the tenth time, my teacher made a misbehaving student sit next to me as punishment. He begged for detention instead. FML

by WinkleBottom / 11/04/2013 at 5:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

by CurseYouSonyaLee / 11/12/2013 at 10:27am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

by kittkatt1 / 11/10/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

by f / 11/09/2013 at 6:30pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, the day before I'm supposed to leave for a long-anticipated trip to Europe, my mother admitted that she's never paid for it. She only told me she did so I would stop hinting that I wanted to go. I gave up Christmas for this trip. FML

by MyUsernameIsBest / 11/12/2013 at 12:45am / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

by icyrebel25 / 11/12/2013 at 6:57pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

by notgettinsome / 11/10/2013 at 1:15am / Australia / Miscellaneous