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Friday 27 September 2013

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Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

by my gran is a cuntwaffle / 09/26/2013 at 4:36pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2013 at 4:14am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

by horriblefashionsense / 09/26/2013 at 11:20am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

by NoBikesForYou / 09/26/2013 at 6:56pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Kids

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

by numbnuts / 09/23/2013 at 1:48am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

by courtnayy / 09/30/2013 at 10:47am / United States / Love

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

by likeyourboss / 10/04/2013 at 12:05pm / Denmark / Health

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

by NestHead / 10/01/2013 at 1:32pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Animals

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

by Sooz / 10/02/2013 at 9:18pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

by MrsCasillas / 09/26/2013 at 2:24am / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML

by iet_Wyrda / 10/04/2013 at 7:00pm / Animals

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2013 at 1:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

by scared shitless in ohio / 09/25/2013 at 4:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous