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Sunday 11 August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

#20823686
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59920) - you deserved it (14919)

On 08/06/2013 at 11:19am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

#20822120
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51715) - you deserved it (14626)

On 08/05/2013 at 1:58pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML

#20825004
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44140) - you deserved it (13963)

On 08/07/2013 at 2:04am - misc - by ImNotFat - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

#20844009
13 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45415) - you deserved it (13962)

On 08/18/2013 at 11:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

#20828881
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42252) - you deserved it (13954)

On 08/09/2013 at 10:22am - money - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

#20831030
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43045) - you deserved it (13665)

On 08/10/2013 at 5:55pm - misc - by ouchbrow (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

#20838688
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36972) - you deserved it (12314)

On 08/15/2013 at 12:49pm - work - by kaynotentirelywrong (man) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

#20840255
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46476) - you deserved it (12202)

On 08/16/2013 at 12:04pm - misc - by WatchOut - Singapore

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

#20830424
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48560) - you deserved it (11427)

On 08/10/2013 at 6:48am - love - by fml (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

#20822133
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40364) - you deserved it (9917)

On 08/05/2013 at 2:09pm - work - by Fuckup (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

#20839551
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40618) - you deserved it (9555)

On 08/15/2013 at 11:18pm - health - by stinky car - United States (Alabama)

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

#20823726
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48004) - you deserved it (9438)

On 08/06/2013 at 12:01pm - health - by GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - United States (New York)

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

#20829072
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44707) - you deserved it (9304)

On 08/09/2013 at 1:23pm - intimacy - by whyyjustwhy - Estonia (Harjumaa)



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