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Sunday 11 August 2013

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Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

by bglenney / 08/15/2013 at 5:47am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

by sisterly love / 08/14/2013 at 5:13pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

by why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" / 08/17/2013 at 6:40pm / Netherlands (Friesland) / Love

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

by pong / 08/06/2013 at 5:59pm / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Health

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

by hardee fucking har yourself, sir / 08/07/2013 at 6:00pm / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a store. I was wearing a shirt that I'd bought from the very same store, and was accused of stealing. When I tried explaining, the manager said I was lying because I'm a teenager and "all teenagers are full of shit." FML

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

by HoratioNo / 08/14/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

by rachel / 08/10/2013 at 4:56pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Kids

Today, my mother-in-law yelled from across the house for me to come quickly. She sounded frantic, so I rushed and asked what was wrong. She said, "Nothing." and that she just wanted to remind me that she hates my guts. She'll be living here with me and my wife for the next two months. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2013 at 5:30pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

by The Corner Of Death / 08/12/2013 at 4:17am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2013 at 5:18pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my cousin decided it would be fun to get drunk before my wedding. During the ceremony, he got up on the stage and tried to do a stage dive into the crowd. He landed on my nephew and broke his arm. FML

Today, I found the carcass of the frog that got into my house last week. It was a horrifying sight, but not nearly as horrifying as the fact that I found it in my refrigerator. No, I don't know how it got in there either. FML

by W...T...F / 08/09/2013 at 12:15pm / United States / Animals