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Friday 12 April 2013

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Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss' way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

by Directionally challenged / 04/11/2013 at 12:18pm / United States / Work

Today, I was dying my hair a subtly different color. It was only supposed to turn my hair a shade or two lighter, but it seems someone at the store thought it would be funny to switch the dye in the boxes around. My hair is purple. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2013 at 7:21pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2013 at 11:14am / United States / Kids

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2013 at 10:22am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2013 at 6:53pm / United States / Money

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

by La Guigne / 04/08/2013 at 5:10pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

by guess I'm stuck / 04/16/2013 at 3:23am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

by reyoflight / 04/19/2013 at 6:04pm / Brazil (Rio de Janeiro) / Kids

Today, my husband tried to haggle a blowjob out of me in exchange for taking his first shower in nearly two weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2013 at 2:28pm / United States / Love

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

by nice education you've got there / 04/09/2013 at 5:04pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

by notlaughing / 04/18/2013 at 9:57am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

by RaveCharlie / 04/18/2013 at 6:47pm / United States / Love