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Tuesday 9 April 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

#20586362
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60014) - you deserved it (10774)

On 04/12/2013 at 11:34am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

#20592767
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53336) - you deserved it (10251)

On 04/15/2013 at 2:04am - intimacy - by twinArmageddon2 - United States (California)

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

#20582010
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30457) - you deserved it (9765) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 04/09/2013 at 6:29am - health - by Anonymous - Sent from mobile version

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

#20589296
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45540) - you deserved it (9325)

On 04/14/2013 at 1:10am - health - by NoPeeGiven - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

#20585643
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38332) - you deserved it (9213)

On 04/11/2013 at 8:59pm - animals - by anyonmus - United States (Maryland)

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

#20597356
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46980) - you deserved it (8910)

On 04/16/2013 at 7:23pm - misc - by S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I played Call of Duty with my new flatmate. He continuously lost and was outraged that a girl beat him. It resulted in him shouting at me, claiming that since I'm Muslim, I must be part of the Taliban, which would explain my gaming skills. FML

#20584680
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44707) - you deserved it (8405)

On 04/11/2013 at 5:11am - misc - by zahra_786 (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

#20593500
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40159) - you deserved it (8364)

On 04/15/2013 at 12:25pm - misc - by Reno - United States (Nevada)

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is". Orgasm gone. FML

#20583515
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51412) - you deserved it (8255)

On 04/10/2013 at 12:32pm - intimacy - by iwassoclose - United States

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

#20585168
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41873) - you deserved it (8012)

On 04/11/2013 at 3:38pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Shropshire)

Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss' way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

#20584939
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34154) - you deserved it (7844)

On 04/11/2013 at 12:18pm - work - by Directionally challenged - United States

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

#20588922
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47217) - you deserved it (7842)

On 04/13/2013 at 9:14pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

#20597351
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48939) - you deserved it (7632)

On 04/16/2013 at 7:21pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States



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