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Friday 8 March 2013

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Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

by Amanda / 03/10/2013 at 12:08pm / Canada / Kids

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2013 at 7:32pm / Ireland / Kids

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

by nopanties / 03/04/2013 at 12:11am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

by bruised / 03/13/2013 at 5:06pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

by fmlman / 03/15/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Wyoming) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2013 at 6:28am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

by peace out / 03/05/2013 at 3:19pm / United States (South Carolina) / Kids

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

by butnotlikethat / 03/15/2013 at 8:05pm / China (Jiangxi) / Intimacy

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2013 at 3:56am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:15pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML