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Wednesday 6 March 2013

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Today, I decided to come onto my husband to switch things up. When I started kissing and trying to undress him, he pushed me off, saying "What're you doing? Jeopardy's about to start." FML

by married an old man / 03/05/2013 at 12:57pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

by Amanda / 03/10/2013 at 12:08pm / Canada / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

by Thankshun / 03/04/2013 at 6:03pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2013 at 7:32pm / Ireland / Kids

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

by nopanties / 03/04/2013 at 12:11am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

by bruised / 03/13/2013 at 5:06pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

by peace out / 03/05/2013 at 3:19pm / United States (South Carolina) / Kids

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2013 at 3:56am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:15pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML

by ShadowBox / 03/12/2013 at 12:43pm / Netherlands (Gelderland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

by Kiki / 03/08/2013 at 4:22pm / Poland (Malopolskie) / Love