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Tuesday 12 February 2013

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Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

by tongue tied / 02/11/2013 at 3:57am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2013 at 10:26am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

by oh my dad / 02/13/2013 at 11:45am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

by CaBur / 02/19/2013 at 5:03pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

by Thai rice mistake / 02/12/2013 at 3:04am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

by PurpleSloth / 02/15/2013 at 8:57am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

by lex / 02/14/2013 at 6:01am / United States / Love

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. It's okay, I know who the father is: my ex-boyfriend, who moved to Japan last week. FML

by juno_op / 02/11/2013 at 1:17pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

by bettercallpeta / 02/15/2013 at 12:42am / United States / Animals

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

by mr_loveless / 02/11/2013 at 2:19am / United States / Love

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2013 at 3:35am / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

by Acolyte of the Bacon God / 02/15/2013 at 2:50pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy