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Thursday 7 February 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

#20494070
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23707) - you deserved it (35310)

On 02/05/2013 at 1:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

#20502853
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10397) - you deserved it (34205)

On 02/11/2013 at 9:30pm - misc - by notgay (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

#20495428
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30584) - you deserved it (32433)

On 02/06/2013 at 6:12am - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

#20503454
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12723) - you deserved it (31153)

On 02/12/2013 at 9:18am - love - by gassy - United States

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

#20501923
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16623) - you deserved it (27892)

On 02/11/2013 at 3:57am - misc - by tongue tied - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

#20502122
242 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29597) - you deserved it (27418)

On 02/11/2013 at 10:26am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

#20497647
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16398) - you deserved it (25868)

On 02/07/2013 at 10:58pm - animals - by fish killer - Canada

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

#20504918
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10715) - you deserved it (25149)

On 02/13/2013 at 11:45am - misc - by oh my dad - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

#20503300
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26121) - you deserved it (16758)

On 02/12/2013 at 3:04am - misc - by Thai rice mistake - United States (California)

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

#20496640
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30976) - you deserved it (16368)

On 02/07/2013 at 1:20am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

#20492687
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30739) - you deserved it (13828)

On 02/04/2013 at 2:45am - love - by lonelyloser - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

#20494355
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41430) - you deserved it (12324)

On 02/05/2013 at 11:18am - intimacy - by Lockedinroom (man) - United States

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

#20506101
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25635) - you deserved it (10897)

On 02/14/2013 at 6:01am - love - by lex - United States



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