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Friday 25 January 2013

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Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

by Master Debater / 02/01/2013 at 6:05am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

by Roxy19 / 01/22/2013 at 1:50am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

by faulty number / 01/28/2013 at 6:25pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was driving around with a few friends when one of them suggested we go in to an insurance company's office and sing their jingle. I'm an awful singer, so I was planning on lip syncing. Everyone else had the same idea. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2013 at 12:40am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

by steven / 01/24/2013 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

by 3some? uh, no / 02/01/2013 at 2:59pm / Dominican Republic / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

by anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 11:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML

by ohfuckwaffles / 01/29/2013 at 12:28am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

by LucidNightmare / 01/27/2013 at 12:38am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

by yourmainman / 01/28/2013 at 12:03am / Canada / Intimacy

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

by awkwardturtle / 01/25/2013 at 12:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2013 at 3:27am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Money

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

by stelssy / 01/26/2013 at 12:03am / United States / Miscellaneous