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Friday 21 December 2012

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Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

by Iknoweverything / 12/22/2012 at 3:06am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

by SugarMyBalls / 12/19/2012 at 6:31pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2012 at 5:54pm / Australia / Health

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

by antiqued / 12/20/2012 at 12:55am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

by really mature, GRAN / 12/25/2012 at 3:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

by judge not, ye cunt / 12/21/2012 at 6:00pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

by marriedtoatool / 12/26/2012 at 1:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2012 at 8:31pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

by Julie / 12/24/2012 at 10:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

by Shelle / 12/26/2012 at 3:53am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

by heya / 12/24/2012 at 5:09am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

by Ross R / 12/27/2012 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Transportation