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Thursday 20 December 2012

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He seemed excited, and said we should make the baby fat so he can bounce her on his lap and watch her double chin jiggle. Just to prove he's serious, he's been searching for high-calorie foods for babies. FML

#20405554
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35672) - you deserved it (5711)

On 12/18/2012 at 12:33pm - kids - by fatbabysyndrome (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

#20418972
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37418) - you deserved it (5514)

On 12/24/2012 at 2:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

#20412240
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32695) - you deserved it (5476)

On 12/21/2012 at 8:16pm - intimacy - by anonymaiacciu (woman) - France

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

#20403594
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28189) - you deserved it (5473)

On 12/17/2012 at 11:21am - kids - by Bonding_boys (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

#20414355
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34396) - you deserved it (5467)

On 12/22/2012 at 6:29pm - kids - by Jane (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

#20416717
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34460) - you deserved it (5455)

On 12/23/2012 at 4:36pm - kids - by still had to pay (man) - Australia

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

#20422121
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20852) - you deserved it (5301)

On 12/25/2012 at 8:49pm - intimacy - by FuckMyEyes (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

#20411951
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20813) - you deserved it (5222)

On 12/21/2012 at 5:41pm - health - by fucking fuck it fucking hurts (woman) - United States

Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML

#20415295
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35369) - you deserved it (5020)

On 12/23/2012 at 1:02am - misc - by oh my son - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

#20405217
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28274) - you deserved it (4775)

On 12/18/2012 at 5:03am - kids - by teejayrn -

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

#20423578
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47916) - you deserved it (4531)

On 12/26/2012 at 1:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

#20413271
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49627) - you deserved it (4461)

On 12/22/2012 at 7:50am - love - by anonymous - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, after giving my husband a new video game that he's been wanting, along with homemade waffles and a surprise blowjob, he gave me my gift: two packets of ramen noodles, and toilet paper. FML



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