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Tuesday 18 December 2012

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

#20409224
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24319) - you deserved it (5713)

On 12/20/2012 at 4:49pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

#20414233
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21036) - you deserved it (5624)

On 12/22/2012 at 5:19pm - misc - by seriously? (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

#20410599
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16133) - you deserved it (5465)

On 12/21/2012 at 1:47am - misc - by Insane Guy (man) - United States

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

#20412240
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31216) - you deserved it (5400)

On 12/21/2012 at 8:16pm - intimacy - by anonymaiacciu (woman) - France

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He seemed excited, and said we should make the baby fat so he can bounce her on his lap and watch her double chin jiggle. Just to prove he's serious, he's been searching for high-calorie foods for babies. FML

#20405554
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30800) - you deserved it (5240)

On 12/18/2012 at 12:33pm - kids - by fatbabysyndrome (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

#20422121
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19710) - you deserved it (5220)

On 12/25/2012 at 8:49pm - intimacy - by FuckMyEyes (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

#20415339
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25996) - you deserved it (4893)

On 12/23/2012 at 1:19am - intimacy - by Kasey Eames - United States (California)

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

#20403594
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25038) - you deserved it (4518)

On 12/17/2012 at 11:21am - kids - by Bonding_boys (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

#20416717
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29518) - you deserved it (4238)

On 12/23/2012 at 4:36pm - kids - by still had to pay (man) - Australia

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

#20414298
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37684) - you deserved it (4200)

On 12/22/2012 at 5:55pm - intimacy - by orgasmicriding (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

#20404919
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20166) - you deserved it (4135)

On 12/18/2012 at 12:15am - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

#20411951
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17939) - you deserved it (4118)

On 12/21/2012 at 5:41pm - health - by fucking fuck it fucking hurts (woman) - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

#20418972
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30269) - you deserved it (4050)

On 12/24/2012 at 2:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Surrey)



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