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Wednesday 23 April 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML

#21120360
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8077) - you deserved it (28916)

On 04/22/2014 at 10:40pm - work - by NoGlovesNoChance - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

#21119041
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33221) - you deserved it (8592)

On 04/21/2014 at 2:42pm - intimacy - by sexual parrot -

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

#21118642
212 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30443) - you deserved it (8184)

On 04/21/2014 at 12:03am - kids - by kelly.duggan (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

#21119159
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24631) - you deserved it (7871)

On 04/21/2014 at 5:26pm - work - by banana_tree - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

#21118892
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35612) - you deserved it (7599)

On 04/21/2014 at 11:43am - intimacy - by Sue Ellen (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

#21119490
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31884) - you deserved it (7566)

On 04/21/2014 at 11:00pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

#21118643
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33141) - you deserved it (4505)

On 04/21/2014 at 12:04am - intimacy - by Taylor - United States (Iowa)

Today, my drug addict of a roommate convinced herself my red kitten was Pennywise the clown in disguise waiting to kill her, and hit him over the head with a pan. FML

Today, I used a facial mask for super sensitive skin, recommended by several friends with similar skin issues. Apparently, when the warning says, "May cause some slight redness for thirty minutes", it really means, "Your face will have hives and swell to twice its normal size for several hours." FML

#21119632
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28607) - you deserved it (3168)

On 04/22/2014 at 1:31am - health - by Tomatoe Face - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

#21120721
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11068) - you deserved it (3804)

On 04/23/2014 at 10:54am - misc - by killmenow (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I suffer from dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

#21118654
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41533) - you deserved it (3068)

On 04/21/2014 at 12:11am - misc - by shorty (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

#21119972
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24381) - you deserved it (2767)

On 04/22/2014 at 2:59pm - kids - by wah wah "you raised him" (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

#21120108
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25790) - you deserved it (2723)

On 04/22/2014 at 6:21pm - intimacy - by only my life (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)



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