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May 2016

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Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2016 at 1:55am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

by TriangularBanana / 05/06/2016 at 5:45pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

by Phycheledic / 05/12/2016 at 6:22am / United States / Kids

Today, I got my grades back. I got a very poor evaluation for my lit class, which was odd because it didn't match the impression from my end-of-class meeting with the professor. It does, however, include a nod to the supposedly-anonymous negative class review I gave her, though. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2016 at 1:51pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

by woxliuke / 05/05/2016 at 2:44pm / Lithuania (Vilniaus Apskritis) / Love

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

by poorgirl / 05/17/2016 at 9:03am / United States / Money

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2016 at 12:56am / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

by jasonvanr / 05/10/2016 at 4:19am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

by send the army please / 05/02/2016 at 2:51am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 4:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

by Ants everywhere but my pants / 05/18/2016 at 10:35pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

by shrek / 05/02/2016 at 6:25am / Australia / Work