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May 2015

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML

Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML

Today, I got my driver's license. My dad made multiple copies of his insurance cards for me to give to people when I inevitably hit them. Because "Let's face it." FML

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

#21409137
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23904) - you deserved it (3020)

On 05/12/2015 at 8:33pm - misc - by Nikki (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

#21408243
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30495) - you deserved it (3013)

On 05/11/2015 at 2:59am - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

#21409757
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27013) - you deserved it (3005)

On 05/13/2015 at 10:55pm - misc - by Muralove (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

#21406339
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27696) - you deserved it (2961)

On 05/07/2015 at 5:56pm - misc - by Martine624 - Netherlands

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

#21409745
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26901) - you deserved it (2935)

On 05/13/2015 at 10:41pm - animals - by PrinceOfBritain - United States (Virginia)

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

#21411971
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30323) - you deserved it (2912)

On 05/18/2015 at 12:58pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia

Today, I found out the reason why my car has smelled so bad for the past two weeks. It turns out when my sister was bringing in groceries from my car she forgot to grab the raw chicken. FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

#21414342
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23393) - you deserved it (2855)

On 05/23/2015 at 7:06am - kids - by DENTALITY (woman) - Norway

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

#21405555
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28729) - you deserved it (2808)

On 05/06/2015 at 8:50am - love - by anon - United States (Kansas)

Today, and for the past couple of days, my girlfriend's father has been trying to help me think of a way to propose. I decided to rehearse first, and that's how my girlfriend walked in on me "proposing" to her dad. FML



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