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May 2015

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my girlfriend surprised me with what was allegedly a birthday "cake". It was so horribly deformed, I wasn't sure whether to eat it or wear it as a hat. I had to pretend it didn't taste like play-doh, and ended up throwing it up in the toilet. Happy birthday to me. FML

#21408360
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26097) - you deserved it (3892)

On 05/11/2015 at 12:06pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

#21408859
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28985) - you deserved it (3834)

On 05/12/2015 at 8:53am - intimacy - by Darryl - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

#21415031
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25184) - you deserved it (3823)

On 05/24/2015 at 3:53pm - intimacy - by ugh - United States (Michigan)

Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML

#21413990
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30232) - you deserved it (3813)

On 05/22/2015 at 12:27pm - intimacy - by Vexatious - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

#21406781
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27344) - you deserved it (3716)

On 05/08/2015 at 1:40pm - misc - by McWhopper - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

#21417490
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14803) - you deserved it (3743)

On 05/29/2015 at 6:58am - misc - by sassy_girl144 (woman) - United Kingdom (West Berkshire)

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

#21408338
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23197) - you deserved it (3676)

On 05/11/2015 at 10:37am - money - by technodont - United States

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

#21417667
31 comments

I agree, your life sucks (2444) - you deserved it (3640)

On 05/29/2015 at 4:15pm - health - by not a kiddy fiddler really (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

#21403442
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29922) - you deserved it (3592)

On 05/02/2015 at 2:39pm - misc - by gross - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

#21417148
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22287) - you deserved it (3594)

On 05/28/2015 at 2:05pm - intimacy - by MarieAmber18 (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

#21409927
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30922) - you deserved it (3535)

On 05/14/2015 at 8:41am - money - by sparkyjaf - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

#21410455
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23339) - you deserved it (3462)

On 05/15/2015 at 9:58am - misc - by Anon - United States (Minnesota)



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Friday 29 May 2015

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