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August 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my fiancé said "Rachel" instead of my name when asked to repeat, "I take thee, Emily, to be my lawfully wedded wife." I was shocked, so he explained while laughing that he doesn't even know a Rachel. He ruined our wedding for a Friends quote. FML

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

#21232602
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31450) - you deserved it (7335)

On 08/08/2014 at 3:34pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

#21241836
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41518) - you deserved it (7329)

On 08/20/2014 at 5:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

#21244565
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37275) - you deserved it (7022)

On 08/24/2014 at 5:50pm - work - by fuck you, tasha (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

#21227114
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43097) - you deserved it (7000)

On 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm - kids - by WickedRene (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

#21243818
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33743) - you deserved it (6970)

On 08/23/2014 at 1:51pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

#21244858
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39678) - you deserved it (6894)

On 08/25/2014 at 1:44am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, since I work at a doughnut shop, I came home smelling like fry oil and had bits of sugar on me. My boyfriend told me he loves having sex with me right after I get off work. He said its like having sex with a hot doughnut. FML

#21230044
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43918) - you deserved it (6839)

On 08/05/2014 at 12:48pm - intimacy - by donutsex (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

#21241880
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40788) - you deserved it (6796)

On 08/20/2014 at 6:14pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

#21232655
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42120) - you deserved it (6647)

On 08/08/2014 at 5:05pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Israel

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

#21242424
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36272) - you deserved it (6618)

On 08/21/2014 at 12:36pm - misc - by royallymessedup -

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

#21239690
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37145) - you deserved it (6298)

On 08/17/2014 at 11:19am - misc - by Etrius (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

#21233179
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41798) - you deserved it (6085)

On 08/09/2014 at 9:31am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)



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