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September 2016

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Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

by Undersexed / 09/14/2016 at 6:01pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

by SuperShy / 09/06/2016 at 12:29am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2016 at 10:50am / United Kingdom (Somerset) / Love

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time in months. Afterwards, when he thought I was asleep, I caught him jacking off to porn. His defense: "Why should you be the only one to get off multiple times?" I got off once, from the toy he used, pre-sex. He then got mad at me for catching him. FML

by kaijen / 09/09/2016 at 1:11am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

by Krystl / 09/18/2016 at 12:35pm / Australia / Work

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

by jshum / 09/13/2016 at 11:02am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

by somnolence / 09/17/2016 at 5:20pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, after years of listening to my coworker complaining about everything in her life, including her job, I finally stood up to her and bitched at her for complaining and not doing anything about it. She went to my boss, and now it's in my job description to listen to her when she complains. FML

by disturbedgd / 09/14/2016 at 7:29am / South Africa / Work

Today, my bitch of a boss sent out a group text saying she'd had a chainsaw accident and lost the tips of 4 of her fingers and would be out indefinitely. When I told my boyfriend, his immediate response was to grab my phone and reply "I'm stumped, I don't know what to say." She hasn't responded yet. FML

by 4fingerdiscount / 09/13/2016 at 7:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, my wife announced she had a sexy surprise for me. Turns out she got a Brazilian wax, which is a huge turn-off for me. Not only could I not get it up, I got to hear all about how much her last boyfriend loved it. FML.

by HairToStay / 09/19/2016 at 12:04pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

by nattnatt73 / 09/10/2016 at 3:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

by AloneAgainNaturally / 09/09/2016 at 5:03pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

by CoolGuy69 / 09/12/2016 at 7:53am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Transportation