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October 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

#21279207
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31334) - you deserved it (15546)

On 10/16/2014 at 4:56pm - misc - by karmaaa - United States (Iowa)

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

#21284180
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27845) - you deserved it (14615)

On 10/24/2014 at 1:02am - money - by Yeah (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

#21275066
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31300) - you deserved it (14392)

On 10/10/2014 at 4:38pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

#21274158
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28301) - you deserved it (13437)

On 10/09/2014 at 10:10am - work - by Sleepy (man) - United Kingdom (Hillingdon)

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

#21288518
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16697) - you deserved it (12408)

On 10/30/2014 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

#21280509
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33782) - you deserved it (12125)

On 10/18/2014 at 3:29pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

#21272079
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29523) - you deserved it (11565)

On 10/06/2014 at 3:12pm - misc - by eh - Azerbaijan (Baki)

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

#21280619
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27773) - you deserved it (11034)

On 10/18/2014 at 7:05pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

#21281971
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34397) - you deserved it (10511)

On 10/20/2014 at 8:29pm - intimacy - by John (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

#21286497
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25087) - you deserved it (10407)

On 10/27/2014 at 7:05pm - health - by lady parts - United States (Illinois)

Today, my co-worker told me that my other co-worker is in the process of getting a divorce. I got really excited because his marriage is very toxic. He overheard me say, "He deserves that divorce!" I meant it in a good way, but I don't think he took it that way. FML

#21268618
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30321) - you deserved it (10356)

On 09/30/2014 at 10:20pm - work - by oopsydaisy (woman) - United States

Today, I asked a passenger what he wanted to drink. When he said marijuana, I started making pot jokes. He really asked for mineral water. I was given a drug test when we landed. FML

#21269829
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29810) - you deserved it (10266)

On 10/02/2014 at 9:55pm - work - by stewardess - United States (Texas)



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