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June 2014

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Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

by anon / 06/20/2014 at 1:06am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

by blanknameisblank / 06/09/2014 at 3:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I searched up ways to fix my eyebrows since they were so bushy and thick. I took my tweezers and set to work. It went to shit. So now, I have one completely straight eyebrow that makes me look like Bert from Sesame Street and another that's arched like Nina Dobrev's. FML

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2014 at 5:38pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I heard my son say, "I don't want any bacon with my eggs". Where did I go wrong? FML

by failed dad / 06/25/2014 at 8:30am / Greece (Attiki) / Kids

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

by imalosertho / 06/10/2014 at 9:01pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Animals

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

by fat and alone / 06/05/2014 at 12:11am / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2014 at 5:46am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2014 at 7:14pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

by deservedly / 06/09/2014 at 12:28pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2014 at 4:06pm / Barbados (Saint Michael) / Kids

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

by misoranomegami / 06/20/2014 at 10:48pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

by Screwed / 06/07/2014 at 9:31am / Australia / Intimacy