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December 2013

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Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

by ConfusedDad / 12/29/2013 at 2:01am / United States / Kids

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

by car keyer / 12/02/2013 at 1:41am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

by dr immature / 12/23/2013 at 6:11pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML

Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML

by FreeChocolate / 12/09/2013 at 8:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2013 at 9:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2013 at 1:47am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was gushing about my love for Disney princesses when someone told me I "definitely needed to calm down." By whom? A four-year-old girl. FML

by vin_dex / 12/05/2013 at 12:40am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2013 at 12:20pm / United States / Love

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

by Jizzyface / 12/29/2013 at 7:36am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

by Sherressa / 12/02/2013 at 3:04pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2013 at 7:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML

by MissDQ / 12/02/2013 at 8:47am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.