Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
August 2013

Choose a category

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2013 at 4:01pm / Portugal / Intimacy

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

by LizzyJones / 08/20/2013 at 1:38pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Love

Today, I was flirting with a cute bartender on my last day in Spain. It was going well until we somehow got onto the topic of how I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years via Facebook. He spent the next 5 minutes laughing and telling his coworkers how hilarious that was. FML

by selfesteemloss / 08/10/2013 at 7:41pm / Spain (Catalonia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

by NoMoreTrumpetBlowing / 08/14/2013 at 12:22pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2013 at 1:33am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

by Pontiacman92 / 08/29/2013 at 3:07am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML

by Suprise / 08/17/2013 at 12:38am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

by insensitive prick / 08/19/2013 at 3:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

by Poly24 / 08/27/2013 at 6:32am / Kids

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

by no, don't save me or nothing / 08/04/2013 at 12:53pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

by ZeroLuck / 08/15/2013 at 10:32pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

by none / 08/22/2013 at 12:27am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

by kimm1993 / 08/03/2013 at 12:29am / United States (Illinois) / Kids