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August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

#20816318
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51639) - you deserved it (11156)

On 08/02/2013 at 12:39am - intimacy - by whyeventry? (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

#20850650
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39787) - you deserved it (11012)

On 08/23/2013 at 10:12am - misc - by Demotivation (woman) - Germany

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

#20856552
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44505) - you deserved it (10930)

On 08/27/2013 at 2:34pm - intimacy - by crier - United States (Virginia)

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

#20830424
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46467) - you deserved it (10822)

On 08/10/2013 at 6:48am - love - by fml (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

#20850669
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43473) - you deserved it (10818)

On 08/23/2013 at 10:29am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML

#20816798
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50215) - you deserved it (10634)

On 08/02/2013 at 9:58am - misc - by YouSoSmelly (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

#20846728
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45035) - you deserved it (10560)

On 08/20/2013 at 6:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Sheffield)

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

#20814697
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58251) - you deserved it (10374)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:21am - kids - by father of the year - United States

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

#20820272
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43577) - you deserved it (10015)

On 08/04/2013 at 12:45pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Barbados (Saint Michael)

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

#20822133
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38094) - you deserved it (9567)

On 08/05/2013 at 2:09pm - work - by Fuckup (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

#20850438
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43228) - you deserved it (9338)

On 08/23/2013 at 3:40am - misc - by seriously? -

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

#20853767
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36422) - you deserved it (9322)

On 08/25/2013 at 2:21pm - money - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Newfoundland)

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

#20857818
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49417) - you deserved it (9248)

On 08/28/2013 at 12:11pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)



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