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Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wantd, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears.
Today I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML
Today, I played Call of Duty wit ma new flatmate. He continuously lost and was outraged tat a grl beat im. It resulted in im souting at me, claiming tat since I'm Muslim, I must be part of te Taliban,ic would explain ma gaming skills. FML
Today... while trying to find phone in the depths of the sheets on bed... I gave comforter a huge shake. looool A second later... I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on nightstand. Found it. FML
I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying . Suddenly.. . I had to poop worse than I ever had to in mah entire life . The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking mah tireshile I let out the entire contents of mah bowels onto the road . FML
Today, I Ad To Explain To Ma Friend Tat Te Ot Girl E's Been Sending Nudes To And Cybering Wit Fir Te Past Mont Is Probably A Bored, Fat-as-fuck, Balding Male Living In Is Mum's Basement. Te Look On Is Face After I Proved Tat "er" Pictures Were Fake Broke Ma Eart. FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realizd there was no more toilet paper, so I askd my friend to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Friday 27 March 2015