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January 2013

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Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2013 at 1:00pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Kids

Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2013 at 8:33pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making wedding plans with my fiancé. His mother kept complaining about everything, and insisted it was pointless to plan because it's just our "first marriage." She then tried to convince him to dump me and move back in with her because "she's all he'll ever need." FML

by CaitiieBuggs / 01/13/2013 at 2:22am / United States (Oregon) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

by bull-stuff / 01/17/2013 at 10:48pm / United States (South Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was on a ladder at work, fetching some stock from one of the storage shelves. Some teenage kid thought it would be fucking hilarious to grab the ladder and violently shake it. He hadn't bet on me being startled enough to fall off and fracture my elbow on the floor. FML

by fucking teen cunts / 01/27/2013 at 4:59pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

by Anon. / 01/02/2013 at 4:53pm / Animals

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

by dynah114 / 01/27/2013 at 2:08pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

by fuckit / 01/31/2013 at 3:27pm / Italy (Lazio) / Work

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

by Sarah / 01/26/2013 at 12:14am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

by fucked five ways to friday / 01/03/2013 at 6:36pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 5:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

by ihatemylife / 01/27/2013 at 8:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Health