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Today, I found out that storing a partially empty bowl of ice cream in the freezer overnight along with the spoon, and then trying to take a bite the next day, can have the same effect as sticking your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of winter. FML
Today..!! I was at Walmart when I saw mah grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines!! Wanting to surprise him..!! I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle!! Up close..!! I realized he wasn't mah grandpa!! mega FML
Today, I ate brunc at my in-laws. Te food all tastd off to me so I didn't eat muc, telling my moter-in-law I was watcing my weigt. Later on, wile out doing a bit of sopping, I stoppd at a rd ligt. Guess wo pulld up next to me wile I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML
Today... my 14-year-old daugter cummd ome after sneaking out and partying. Se was totally drunk... and startd crying on my soulder because some boy namd "Tomas" as a small dick... and se ad to fake an orgasm. fat FML
Today, After Having Sex For The First Time With Mah Girlfriend, I Realisd I Was In Love With Her!! I Noticd She Had An Eyelash On Her Breast!! After Tugging It A Few Times I Realisd It Was Actually A Single Black Nipple Hair!! She Was So Embarrassd, She Kickd Me Out And Now Won't Return Mah Calls!! Big Fat FML
yesterday as her parents were supposd to be out of town, I stayd over with mah grlfriend, and we endd up in bd together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I hered footsteps, so I said, ( Didn't think you'd be walking after that. ) I closd the fridge and saw her dad. FML
Today, I tried to impres a grl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML
Today, to scare mah little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies!! The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs!! Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room!! FML
Today, I took a relaxing bat, but got te book I was reading sligtly wet wen getting out. I putted it on top of te towel dryer after delicately saking it. Five minutes later, I eard a splas; I went into te batroom to find tat my book ad toppled into te toilet bowl. FML
Today, I Was Sleeping On An Airplane. I Dreamed That I Was Running Mah Hands Up And Down Mah Friend's Leg Sexually To Creep Him Out. I Woke Up And I Realized That I Was Running Mah Hand Up And Down The Leg Of The Old Man Sitting Next To Me.
Friday 27 March 2015