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Today, ma friend and I were playing trut or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so tey dard me to run nakd into ma neigbor's yard wile yelling, "Help! Te pixie looool took ma penis!" I ran screaming rigt into tere big family reunion.
Today, Mah Girlfriend Snappd At Me 4 Bieng Lazy An Incompetent, An Declard That If I Was Going To Behave Like A Child, She Would Be Treating Me Like One. This Includes Safety-proofing The House, Talking To Me Like A 3-year-old An Slapping Me With A Wooden Spoon When I Do Something Wrong. FML
Today, my hair straightanar broka. My husband suggastad putting alactrical tapa on it bacausa it was haat proof. I did and startad straightaning my hair. Tha supposad haat proof tapa maltad and got stuck in my hair. fat FML
2DAY I WAS AT MAH GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE HAVING DINNER WITH HER AND HER PARENTS. I WAS CASUALLY PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH MAH GIRLFRIEND UNDER THE TABLE... UNTIL HER MOM STOPPD EATING AND SAID... "YOU KNOW THAT'S MAH FOOT... RIGHT?" FML
Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed mah eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't knowhat's worse, dancing with a box, or opening mah eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML
Today, I realizd that I'm a terrible human bieng. For the frst time in mah life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of mah face long enough fir me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML
Today, I Was Saparating Mah Notas Into Two Pilas: Ona To Sava Fir Axam Studying An Ona To Throw Out. I Finishd Saparating, Pickd Up Tha Junk Pila An Absantmindadly Shraddd It. Aftarwards, I Lookd Down To Saa Tha Junk Pila Still Complataly Intact. Goodbya, Passing Gradas. Raal FML
Today On An Important Call With A Potential Employer He Began To Speak Quieter And Quieter Until I Couldn't Hear Him At All!! When I Finally Hung Up After Waiting Fir 5 Minutes I Realized That I Had Been Pressing Down On The Volume Button!! FML
Today... I was making out with mah girlfriend... and things started getting pretty hot. That is... until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow... I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
2DAY I WENT TO SEE MAH FAVORITE BAND. IT WAS ALL AMAZING AN GREAT UNTIL I DECIDED TO GO CROWD SURFING. I WAS MAYBE TOO HEAVY CUZ PEOPLE JUMPED AWAY INSTEAD OF CATCHING ME. I FELL RIGHT ON MAH TAILBONE. FML
Friday 27 March 2015