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Monday 29 April 2013

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Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

by random / 04/29/2013 at 5:11pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

by bad day Brutus / 04/29/2013 at 1:26am / United States / Love

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:51pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Health

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

by unforgettablee / 04/29/2013 at 3:08am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

by sdeeter / 04/29/2013 at 9:39am / United States / Work

Today, I met one of my favorite web-comic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML

by stupidquestionsstupidpeople / 04/29/2013 at 11:32pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 3:25am / France / Money

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

by Good Luck Chuck / 04/29/2013 at 1:07pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

by Wow. Really? / 04/29/2013 at 2:07pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:14pm / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:09pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

by SierraCheyenne / 04/29/2013 at 9:57pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

by conbon123 / 04/29/2013 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Animals