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Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

#5828114
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (94075) - you deserved it (15875)

On 10/14/2009 at 1:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

#17779717
432 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58692) - you deserved it (5801)

On 09/19/2011 at 10:39am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

#408707
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42910) - you deserved it (194378)

On 03/17/2009 at 6:16am - intimacy - by Noname (man) - United States (California)

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

#8751188
402 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46445) - you deserved it (10136)

On 03/01/2010 at 5:04pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

#4505034
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37709) - you deserved it (83437)

On 08/13/2009 at 4:57pm - kids - by bubbalicious (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

#126669
227 comments

I agree, your life sucks (130287) - you deserved it (23611)

On 02/24/2009 at 8:20pm - intimacy - by Noname (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

#2019724
660 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31664) - you deserved it (295315)

On 05/17/2009 at 4:16pm - misc - by karmasabitch (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

#13318955
325 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72223) - you deserved it (8112)

On 10/04/2010 at 5:42pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

#17109043
429 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32280) - you deserved it (92374)

On 07/14/2011 at 3:35pm - intimacy - by gir - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

#405303
219 comments

I agree, your life sucks (145999) - you deserved it (39020)

On 03/17/2009 at 1:06am - intimacy - by princess (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

#2812014
266 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101042) - you deserved it (21522)

On 06/11/2009 at 8:23pm - misc - by NoBalls (man) - United States (Indiana)



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