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Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

by 2234 / 10/03/2010 at 10:10pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

by djangle / 11/02/2010 at 7:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 10:20am / United States / Work

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

by drfrogpepper / 01/01/2011 at 6:50pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went to shovel the massive amount of snow that was on our car. After spending time in the cold wind, I finally finished, realizing it wasn't my car. It was an identical car. FML

by hehe / 02/02/2011 at 6:57pm / Transportation

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

by TMI / 06/04/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

by wahhh / 08/08/2011 at 7:07am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

by ambled / 12/24/2011 at 3:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

by hatemyboss / 04/12/2012 at 8:37pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2012 at 1:37pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2013 at 7:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

by ouharguohargssdf / 09/28/2013 at 5:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2013 at 9:11pm / United States (Washington) / Love