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Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

by wahhh / 08/08/2011 at 7:07am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

by Juicy12Jham / 09/08/2011 at 11:30pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML

by kareltje / 09/14/2011 at 2:50pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

by ambled / 12/24/2011 at 3:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

by hatemyboss / 04/12/2012 at 8:37pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2012 at 1:37pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2013 at 7:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I realised that my friend hasn't spoken to me for a week. A week ago I politely explained to her that I really don't believe in horoscopes, and asked her at the time to stop systematically using my star-sign to explain my behaviour. FML

by notsuperstitious / 01/24/2013 at 11:37am / Finland / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

by just physical / 03/17/2013 at 10:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

by ouharguohargssdf / 09/28/2013 at 5:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2013 at 9:11pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

by IMSERIOUS / 01/22/2014 at 2:23pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

by maddengirl12 / 02/20/2014 at 3:57am / United States / Transportation