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Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2014 at 4:45pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML

by Queensland / 10/18/2014 at 3:20am / Australia / Transportation

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

by noshow / 12/11/2014 at 12:44am / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over a stupid argument, but after a long day we made up and got back together. Not long afterwards, my friend called, feeling guilty and confessing that he had sex with her after finding out she'd dumped me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2015 at 2:37pm / Guam / Love

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

by assault and imnotracistbuttery / 04/18/2015 at 12:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2015 at 2:15am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML

by AnonymousZOMBIE / 06/25/2015 at 3:23pm / United States (Louisiana) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2015 at 11:22am / United States / Work

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

by Kerlane / 12/04/2008 at 10:45pm / Transportation

Today, I decided to do a load of laundry. Two minutes into the cycle, I realized that I left my iPod in my sweatpants pocket. The washing machine door locks automatically and cannot be opened until the 40-minute cycle is up. FML

by DumbDinosaur / 03/09/2009 at 11:01am / United States (New York) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

by str3tch / 04/03/2009 at 4:48pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

by _dopey_ / 05/17/2009 at 1:34pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

by / 01/03/2009 at 11:48am / Intimacy